


Wooing the serpent

by SkilledWarriorKiwi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Basically Calliope turns into her giant serpent form during sexy times, Caliborn shows up and swears as usual, Calliope and Roxy are awkward at sexy tiems, Cherubs - Freeform, F/F, Misunderstandings, Relationship Problems, Some angst, and it goes from there, how do you write in second person, pesterlogs, stupid fucking formatting uuuugh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 10:18:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkilledWarriorKiwi/pseuds/SkilledWarriorKiwi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another kinkmeme fill- http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=43956004#cmt43956004</p><p>The gist of the prompt was a Cherub and their significant other starting sexy times- and then the Cherub turns into their giant space serpent form in order to consummate it which leads to an incredibly awkward moment between the two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A monster in the sheets

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you are trying to figure out how to seduce your sexy green alien girlfriend.   


Well, technically you've already seduced her into becoming your extraterrestrial squeeze but trying to woo her into your bed is a whole different ball park. You've tried many tactics over the past few months from trying to give her flowers and those fancy Belgian chocolates to throwing a lavish candle-lit dinner which resulted in you accidentally setting the curtains on fire after you tripped and spilled your martini. 

But to be honest, you've had some hilarious screw ups in your attempted wooing of Callie- One being when you said 'fuck it' and decided to pounce on her naked when she passed by your door while visiting; this probably would have worked if not for the fact you didn't make certain of your target and ended up tackling a shocked Jane to the ground. Personally you found it hilarious but it took her weeks before she could look you in the face without going red. The other was when you decided to go track down Calliope yourself to seduce her and announced yourself by doing some ninja ass grabbing. Unfortunately you were fairly tipsy (drinking to steal those nerves, damnit) and thus you didn't notice the different outfit until you had double handfuls of that choice bony ass and realized it was Caliborn's you just grabbed. You then had to high-tail it outta there, followed by a storm of bullets and a screaming tirade. You had to admit the expression on Caliborn's face totally made up for it though. 

Barring those fuckups, you haven't had any more luck wooing that adorbs little Cherub into your bed. You weren't stupid, you knew that Calliope had some self esteem and body issues that she dealt with, despite all your reassuring she still thought of herself as...unwholesome or creepy. Personally you thought that was utter bullshit. Sure some people might say the fact it was if all her exoskeleton were on the outside as weird as it cast her silhouette as sharp and jagged, but all you wanted to lavish some intense lovemaking to chase away her self doubts and kick the asses of anyone who thought her ugly. 

Ah fuck it. Maybe trying the classic 'lure gf to room and awkwardly make out on bed' plan was your only option at this point. Couldn't go any worse than it was. Right. Now, it is time to lure that Cherub to your house.

\-----  
Okay maybe lure was too strong of a word. All you had to do was send her a message if she wanted to hang out with you and she accepted. Well crap, you figured you would have time to prepare or some shit and double crap you were just wearing a cat-emblazoned t-shirt and sweatpants. No, put that Martini away Roxy. You are going to be sober, casual dress or not. Alright, deep breaths. You can do this- oh shit there's the doorbell. Okay, Roxy. Be chill as ice.

Straightening your spine, you flip the tails of your scarf over your shoulders as you make your way to the front door. You throw it open, a wide smile on your face as you greeted Calliope.

"Hey Callie! Looking good today. Gimme a kiss!" Without hesitation you lean forward, meeting her halfway. You give each other a chaste kiss, feeling your lips press up against Calliope's. Still smiling you lean back and take her appearance in; she's wearing her customary cute green suit that makes her look like some adorable little gangster. Or hot business woman. Hmmm. No wait, self control Roxy, self control.

"Well I'm a shit host, come on in to my humble abode," You say, stepping back into the house, gently tugging on Calliope's arm. She willingly followed you inside, shutting the door behind her. You flail around briefly in your head before beckoning her to follow you to the kitchen. Step 1 is in full effect. Or was it affect? Oh who cares, you are starting this shit right now.

Within no time you were in full 'I am a wonderful host to my gorgeous squeeze in that cute damn outfit' mode, whipping up a couple of drinks- which you assured Calliope were not alcoholic- and Callie had seated herself on one of the barstools by the counter, watching you as you flitted about the kitchen. You've been together long enough, as friends and girlfriends, that you didn't feel the need to fill every silence, so you remained contentedly humming under your breath while Calliope studied the kitchen with an interest only non-earth born aliens could manage, no matter how many times they visited. 

You place a cup of some fancy green _(ehehe)_ tea on the counter for her, getting a knife-filled smile in return. You take a swig of your own tea, wishing yours had some gin in it. You felt like your damn limbs were gonna explode from nerves. Not matter how much you tried to reassure yourself, or talk it over with your friends you still had the horrid fear of Calliope rejecting you with this. Sure, you've kissed and snuggled and other things, but you've never manged to get the balls to outright blurt you wanted to get to the next level. You tried dropping hints and you've already recapped on past physically failures...you know the worst thing she could say was 'no' and even then she would be kind about it but you had this stupid, irrational fear she would dump you or want to go back to being friends, mainly due to the fact she never tried to up the ante with your relationship. Obviously she was an alien and not used to human courtship, or even really understood it, you just didn't want to seem needy or pushing too hard thus causing her to feel trapped or uncomfortable.

You gave a twitch as you felt something touch your wrist. Calliope froze before quickly retracting her hand, placing it besides her now empty cup. She said, "Are you alright, Roxy? You...drifted off for a few minutes." 

Damnit, too cute. You flashed her a quick grin, "Ah nothing, just contemplating some stuff. Stuff which I need to give myself a good boot in the ass about. But you know how it is."

Calliope looked confused but nonetheless nodded, "Well, I do sometimes feel about that with my art and whatnot. The muse can be incredibly uncooperative at times."

"Sooo..." Green light, go Roxy, go. You switch to your 'irresistible seductress' voice, leaning forward and letting your hand rest on Calliope's dark green one, "How about we go upstairs and get _our_ muse on?" Well shit that sounded better in your head. Oh well.

Calliope looked so shy then you had to resist the urge to hurl her onto the table and ravish her right there. She squirmed in her seat before shooting you a coy look from under her long lashes, "Well, we must do as the muse commands, don't we darling?"

You get to your feet in record time, slipping your hand into Calliope's and twining your fingers together, giving a soft tug, "Then let's roll."

\-----

Wasting no time, you quickly usher her up to your room, trying to contain your giddy excitement. This was it damnit, you were gonna woo her like no one has ever wooed a Cherub before. Wasting no time, you threw up the door to your room- Calliope made her usual kind observation about your decorations- and lead her over to your bed. You kicked off your shoes and socks and hopped up on the bed, shuffling back so you were leaning up against your pillows, legs crossed Indian style. Calliope tentatively followed your lead, taking her shoes off with a lot more grace, and climbing up onto your bed so she was sitting before you with her legs tucked up underneath herself. The green swirls on her cheeks were damn near glowing and her forked tongue briefly flicked out at her teeth.

You had to resist the urge to give her an impromptu snog- slow and steady, Roxy. You can't run the risk of spooking her by acting like some sex-starved wild woman. Crap, what now? Your game plan was basically 'get into room, make out'. Ugh you wish you were drunk but you deliberately gone a few days sober after Callie dropped a few subtle hints about her wanting you to be completely coherent and lucid when you were...'intimate'. That girl was just so sweet you swear half your teeth would fall out soon. But this 'stare awkwardly at everything but your gf' needed to be remedied right damn now. Awkward conversation it is then.

"Sooo," You pluck at a few loose strands of hair on your shirt, "How's life treating you?"

Calliope looked comically relived at the boring question, latching on like a limpet, "Oh it's been pretty wonderful lately. I've managed to finish several more of my paintings. I'm just trying to wrap up all the loose ends before I'm starting a new one. Though the angry rantings from you-know-who I really could without."

"Huh? Why? Is that bro of yours starting with his shit again?"

Calliope let out a giggle, "Well, he's still rather...incensed about that erm, incident a few weeks ago."

You gave a loud snort, "Oh shit, you mean the ass grabbing? To be fair you both have the same ass, not my fault it's so grabable. Besides, it's not like he wouldn't find a crapload of other things to rage about." 

"True. He's still very mad about it, no matter what I say to placate him."

"Oh please, he just wishes it was Dirk doing the groping."

Calliope burst out laughing, rocking backwards as she guffawed, her fangs glinting like knives, "Well I'm not- that isn't to say he would be adverse to the idea, it's just Brother's erm, methods aren't the best way of approaching these things. With humans I mean. Ah..."

"Well then," You say, learning forward slightly, "Why don't we indulge in _our_ way of approaching things, like maybe making out?" Whoops, there goes subtlety. 

Calliope sucked in a startled breath, blinking rapidly before shyly saying, "I...I wouldn't be opposed, darling."

**Yes.** Now, crossspecies makeouts.

Carefully, oh so carefully, you reach out and rest your hands on Calliope's thin shoulders, giving a reassuring squeeze. Her eyes flick down at your hands before returning to your face, her face so open and trusting you feel like your heart is being molotov'd. Okay Roxy, now is not the time to fuck up monumentally. Go slow, go slow...

"How about we get that cute little jacket of yours off?" You run your hands across her shoulders, rubbing at the collar of her deep-green coat, "Lighten those layers up."

Calliope flashed a quick smile and a nod, reaching up to start undoing the buttons of her jacket.

"Here," You say, reaching up and rubbing at Calliope's hands, "Get a bit closer and let me."

She stared at you for a few seconds before nodding, shuffling forward a bit more so you were nearly flush up against one another. You quickly start to undo the buttons on her overcoat, your hands shaking with anticipation. While you're doing this, you're faintly aware of Calliope titling her head and sniffing at your hair, her breath ruffling the pale strands. You gave a brief moment to thank yourself with the foresight to use that special bubble-gum shampoo Janey got you for Christmas. 

In no time you got the buttons undone without tangling or breaking any and Calliope shrugs it off her shoulders, carefully folding it up and placing it at the end of the bed. Your fingers twitched to start undoing her white undershirt, but you figured you better get yourself on equal footing. Quickly you yank off your t-shirt, whipping it over your head and careless hiffing it onto your floor, your scarf in tangles around your neck. Callie looks hilarious scandalized for a few seconds before she glances down at your chest and sucks in a breath. Yes, hurray for pink-and-black-lace underwear.

You give her a flirty smile and a wink, "Wanna have a peak underneath?"

The swirls on her cheeks have gotten even brighter but she nods, "Oh yes darling, I would."

"Well, I'm not gonna deny a lovely lady what she wants!"

With some fumbling you unlatch the back of your bra, pulling it off with a flourish.

...Okay an attempted flourish since you got it snagged on your scarf, 'cause you are the pinnacle of grace. With a few choice curses you managed to tear both the offending garments off and threw them onto the floor.

The sharp intake of breath from Calliope caused a slight blush to appear on your checks, with her blatantly staring at your now freed breasts. Well shit, maybe you jumped the gun a little bit too soon-

"Ah, Darling?" Callie said tentatively, eyes never leaving your chest, "May I...touch?"

You couldn't help but laugh at that; goddamnit, she was just so precious. Judging by the way she flinched back slightly though, she must of thought your laugh was about something else. Hmmph, that won't do. Quick as a snake, you grabbed her wrists, causing her eyes to flick up to yours before you pull her hands forwards until they were just millimeters from your bare breasts.

"I'm your girlfriend, Callie," You said in a teasing voice, "All of this is yours to squeeze."

With that you let go of her wrists, letting her take the lead. You could see her hands shaking slightly before she reached forward and cupped your breasts in her hands, her eyes as wide as saucers. Carefully she squeezed them, causing you to take a sharp intake of breath. Her green eyes flicked up to yours before she bent her head towards you chest, removing a hand and letting her tongue snake down and lick at your breast, flicking over a nipple. She nuzzled the soft flesh of your breast, teeth just barely scraping the skin. Her hands moved over you, one rubbing a thumb over your other nipple, drawing it to hardness, the other going to the nape of your neck and toying with the strands of hair. You gave a groan as she let out an odd, throaty rumble in the back of her throat as she continued to mouth at your skin, sucking slightly on your nipple.

You reach up and start kneading at the sides of her throat and along her spine, getting a satisfied purr in response. Carefully you nudge at her shoulders, subtly trying to get her attention. She gave your breast another lick and a squeeze before withdrawing away from your body, her pupils blown wide as she gazed at you.

"Feeling kinda one-sided here..." You say, letting your voice trail off into silence, gesturing down at your bare chest.

Calliope stared at you for a few seconds, before she shuffled back a bit and carefully took off her white undershirt, avoiding your eyes as she placed the shirt next to her jacket, leaving her naked from the waist up. You were pretty sure she was going to wring her fingers completely out of their joints and her expression made it look like she was half expecting you to laugh or jeer at the ridged, sharp lines of her ribcage and waist. Fuck that. 

You eagerly surge forward, almost knocking her over as you capture her lips in a passionate kiss, trying to convey all your love and adoration of her into that one action. Calliope gave a start before she steadied the two of you, eagerly kissing you back. Her lips were devoid of softness and you were pressing against the sharp lines of her teeth but you wrapped your arms around her neck, opening your mouth to try and deepen the kiss. Calliope gave a growl and pulled you up onto her lap, your thighs locking around her sides. Her tongue slid into your mouth, the forked tip laving against your flat tongue. You wrestle for a few moments against her before you submit to her aggressive kissing, letting her take the lead. She rested her clawed hands on your hips, dragging you even closer. You let out a grunt at the friction between her hard skin and your sensitive nipples, shivers rolling down your spine as she arched up against you.

With a soft hiss she pulled back, her green eyes luminescent, the pupils now just pinpricks. Calliope made a weird snarling noise, so deep you could feel it in your bones, before angling her head down and mouthing at your neck, her sharp teeth just barely scraping at the sensitive skin. You were completely aware she could easily sink her fangs into your jugular but you trust her with your life and willingly tilt your head back, barring more of your throat to her. Judging from the odd cooing noise she let out she approves of the submissive gesture, fixing her jaw at your pulse, forked tongue laving at your skin like some contented green housecat.

Her left hand snaked up into your hair, fingers firmly clenching and flexing the pale strands, while the other slid down to your hip, pulling you against her bony chest, the friction feeling wonderful against your bare breasts. You eagerly squirmed against her, the flesh between your legs burning with arousal as you dug your blunt nails into Calliope's shoulders, feeling her growl against your throat.

The hand on your hip started to claw at your sweatpants- well and well, you were eager to go down that route. You started to try and draw away only to have her snarl and nip at your throat, drawing pin pricks of blood. Ho ho, someone's in the mood. Well okay back up plan. Awkwardly you start trying to yank your pants off, only for Calliope to loose patience and the hand not occupied with teasing at your hair promptly shredding at your pants, slicing long cuts down the fabric. Bemused and even more aroused you yanked at the clawed remains of your pants, managing to pull them off and kicking them across the bed, leaving you naked apart from your pink-and-black lace panties. 

Calliope slid her hand across your hip and rested the heel of her palm against the front of your panties before she pressed down, causing you to groan at the pressure against your core, bucking eagerly up against her hand. Calliope gave a purr against your throat, drawing in thick breaths as she pressed against you again, causing you to whimper.

Then something really fucking weird just happened. One moment you were relishing the feel of Calliope's hands caressing you and her teeth at your throat, the next you were knocked flat on your back with an "oomph" against your pillows. A massive crash shook the air, a loud bang quickly following and your vision was suddenly filled with a fuckload of dark green. You reached out, groping blindly, trying to find Calliope's thin waist only to have your hands fall upon something vast that felt hard, compact, like scales.

Dazed, you stared at up the giant forest-green...snake? Whatever the hell it was it was fucking huge, having taken out your roof and, by the sound of it, half of your house. A deep snort drew your attention away from the night sky, which you could see through the missing roof, and a massive crocodile snout filled your vision. Huge bright green eyes peered down a mouth that could have easily swallowed your whole room in one go, filled with teeth longer than your body.

**"Roxy? Is everything okay? Am I...am I going too quickly?"** The voice seemed to just appear in your head, booming around your skull like some giant was yelling at you. But shit, you recognized it anyway. **"I...oh god, I went too fast didn't I, humans don't just leap in like- oh god, Roxy I- I have to go!"**

With another loud crash the serpent- Calliope? - suddenly absconded, taking out the rest of the roof as she went.

Stunned, you lay sprawled on your back on your bed, naked apart from your lace panties. Absently you watched bits of plaster and huge clouds of dust float down from the ruined remains of the top story of your house, a few strangled thoughts running through your mind.

How the fuck, what the fuck is going on. Your lovely green alien girlfriend apparently just turned into Cthulhu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omfg look at this art I found on tumblr; http://miraculoustang.tumblr.com/post/44980974104/can-i-just  
> Apparently awkward Cherub romance is really popular XD


	2. I'll drink to that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy's trying to drink her feelings away so loads of typos and incoherent ranting on her part.
> 
> Also how the fuck do you pesterlog and why did I decide to do a chapter just on pesterlogs when formatting them is such an ass

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG].  
TT: I need to talk to you.  
TG: uuuugh wat do yu wnajt  
TT: How drunk are you?  
TG: no enuff   
TT: Well, I'm not here to lecture you about your drinking habits. I'm here about something else.  
TG: wut now yous wnat to takj tp me  
TT: Yes, considering the fact the Loch Ness Monster apparently burst out of your house and flew off into the sunset.  
TG: oh fcuak you dirky yosu dont kwnapo what iw be theoyugh  
TT: You've been doing what? So what's this about some giant green monster at your house?  
TG: FUCK TYOYU  
TG: *YOU  
TG: dnt you talkl about calli datj way  
TT: You had Calliope over?  
TG: yesh sur i did annd i tottally managfe to seduced her woth y awrome charms  
TG: *fu tupos  
TT: So Calliope had something to do with the Loch Ness Monster at your house?  
TG: yup thats whyop im all angsyu you shoy yp and litsen to my relatuionship proble sincw ive been gettinghm whined at my yiyur shit for the last goffambn weeks about you and jakey  
TT: What?  
TG: i fcukec up bad   
TG: i thinkl i did i dunno  
TG: uuughhhhh  
TT: What went wrong? You and Calliope are pretty much the pinnacle of a happy suburban couple, excusing the xenophile part. I'm still waiting for that marriage invitation. I bags being the maid of honor, Jane will have to settle as the best man and Jake can be the flower girl. Or ring bearer.  
TG: up youtrs   
TG: my roof is allll ocer the placee and i halve thsi giaant whole ia nmy wall  
TT: So you're refurbishing your house. You've wanted to do that for a while now.  
TT: Though just smashing a hole through the wall seems like the long route.  
TG: omg wouldf you shut your facehole callie is gonnne and i just brrrinnnkkk  
TT: You're on the brink of what? Roxy, you're not making any sense.  
TG: of couurse im not im adrink and upset overtr my gtr  
TG: *gf fu tupos shit  
TG: wee weres all good and stuff andhjtm everythiong went tyto hell  
TT: So you had a fight or what?  
TG: dafuw did ii juast say????  
TG: we wwere all good!   
TT: Why are you so upset then? If everything was sunshine and roses why would she leave and you go cannonball right into drunken mode?  
TG: weers makin out and it waass lla good and stukff and themw shje turnenned intto a gianmt snake and leaft  
TG: i knewv i wasnst good for heer callie so sopch sweet and uuuughsnhj she desevres more  
TT: Roxy, you're the best girlfriend Calliope could ask for.  
TG: uuugh now yous being sop nice and io doun goofd  
TT: But seriously? The Loch Ness Monster that broke half your house was Calliope?  
TG: omfg dont you talkmd smack baout my callie or iklk come down themte and beat yo texan ass!!!  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
TT: Roxy, wait!  
TT: For fuck's sake.  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
GG: Hello there, BFF!  
GG: How was the date night with Calliope? :B  
TG: Uuuuughhjkl;gfkl,.  
GG: Um, is that good or bad?  
TG: i thnink my bedcroom talks needs workm  
GG: Oh no, was it that bad? I was so sure you and Callie would spend a lovely erm, evening with one another.  
GG: I don't want to see meddlesome but did you two fight? Can I help? I'm always here for my friends.   
TG: i dunnp callie isntt atalking tom em  
GG: Roxy? You sound very drunk. Well, type very drunk.  
GG: Not that I'm scolding! It's just I thought you were slowly whittling down on your alcohol intake?  
TG: i wash but noppw i;nm drinkin mys surrows aboway  
GG: That doesn't sound good! Roxy, what happened? Did the house go on fire?  
TG: uhj i wsih  
TG: my housea is halfe dead  
TG: i canne see tdat sky throughk my rouff  
GG: You're roof is gone? Golly that must of been quite a night.  
GG: Um, not like that! But seriously Ro-La, what's wrong?  
TG: callie  
TG: i upsetty her   
TG: *upset damnit  
TG: and nowl imma drink in grieving anf shit  
GG: Oh no!  
GG: That doesn't sound good at all. You two were so good for each other!  
GG: Hmm, well we must get to the reconciliation right away.  
TG: she dun wanna taljk to me  
GG: Have you tried?   
TG: YES   
GG: Um okay. I wasn't trying to seem obtuse, Ro-La! Or rude.  
GG: It's just I'm very confused as to what is going on.   
GG: You're acting like a drunken goose and apparently your roof is wrecked.   
TG: imma drinkin my greeuive janey  
TG: i mma terrioable gf to callie  
TG: uuuughhj callie my bu  
TG: my beauoiiful alien  
GG: Oh my god- Is Callie hurt???  
TG: her hearrt  
TG: or whatevas cherubbies have  
TG: i theenk i went twp fast  
GG: So you two were being all...intimate and something went wrong?  
TG: it wash goinf so good two!  
TG: and them i dunno shel tueoned into cthulthus and left  
GG: She did what now?  
TG: ilm scrared janey  
TG: what if shle breaks up wtj me???????  
GG: Now you wait a minute, missy!  
GG: You are the best damn girlfriend an alien could ask for!  
GG: Calliope adores you and you adore her.   
GG: You two are a wonderful couple and no matter what scrap you two have gotten in you'll be able to pull through.  
TG: i hoep so janey  
TG: cann you takl to callie????  
TG: shees noot answerting me  
TG: i thenk i eembraassed her or shes juist needss apsce?  
TG: *spcce  
TG: *SAPCE  
TG: oh fuck ti  
GG: Alright. I'll get to the bottom of this, don't you worry, Ro-la!  
GG: You just try and get something to eat and some sleep okay?  
GG: I'll help. That's what I'm for :B  
TG: thansk janey  
GG: I'll talk to you soon!  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  


golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG].  
GT: Hello there! How have youve been? Havent spoken to you for quite a spell.  
TG: whatt tyou want i dunone have trime in my busy mopey vom scgheyudla balrghj  
GT: You seem upset! Whats wrong?  
TG: yeahk no shit i got and fcked aeverything up  
TG: liek irons wehtn went abnd burnt dowm my fcuki house  
GT: Your house is on fire?  
TG: METAPHONE  
TG: *metawhore  
TG: oh fu   
GT: Oh you mean a metaphor? Those irons must of been intense to burn down your house!  
TG: my roof si gone i cane seem my skyl  
TG: wati i mean outsdie  
GT: You broke your roof? Well you must of have a fun time. But what if it rains?  
TG: omfg jakey ur missin dat potin!  
TG: *point  
TG: callies and i weas having a good might ight? ive invistedf her over and she had da adorbs jacket on and wes awlere are all good an havin eta   
TG: *tea fuckin typos all eveywehre  
TG: amd them we went upstaris for asome lady time and its was lal cute andm stuff   
TG: ive evenm manges to get callies clothes and stuf off  
TG: cause shles was all; eaself consious and cutte abouto it so itl was like yaaay! whem i got her to takel her shirt off and mien as well  
GT: Um  
TG: anmd wer stayied to make out and stuf and she tots loved my boosb  
TG: lieks wows is shees a snarler in bed lile hotly damn  
GT: Ah roxy i dont really need those kind of details!   
TG: bout them she turned into cthulthu whens ver was gettin tomto it  
GT: Okay?  
GT: I admit i didnt expect that twist!  
GT: Is that what has you so upset?  
TG: she wass upset! i pushhed too hars like some creepio and soopked her off  
GT: And this had something to do with your roof? Or your giant monster problems?  
TG: callie aints a monster jakey! imma alreadyl beat dirk over tiost!  
GT: I am just bloody well confused is all. Youve got monsters at your place now but calliope gave them to you? Are they the rascals that broke your roof?  
TG: i thenk calliope brokle dat roof whem she flew away  
GT: Calliope can fly now? Shes such an interesting lady! So lovely and green and her head is so skull like.  
TG: ...  
TG: what iz with datk hairy eyelball!  
GT: Im not meaning anything untoward with that! Just that she is a fine lady for a lovely woman such as yourself. You are good with each other.  
TG: u better but i themk ehsk might leavme me  
GT: Pish posh callie adores you. And you adore her. A perfect match.   
TG: uugh i dummo jakey sheas not taling to me  
TG: *talking  
TG: so maybnme sle nuts wans,kt me top leavhe ther amoine  
TG: iuugh  
GT: Shes what not? What in blazes are you saying roxy?  
TG: im drunlkng loads  
TG: greeeving  
TG: caulose imma dumbass  
TG: stoopid blargh  
GT: Oh dont be like that! Even if youve had a spat with your ladylove it doesnt mean you cant sort things about. You and callie are such reasonable ladies and im sure whatever it is you can fix it and be back together in no time!  
TG: thats sweet jakey  
TG: imma thenk imaa gonna go vom tho  
GT: Oh! You do that then.  
GT: I wish you the best in your adventure in the madness of romance! Im sure you two will be be right as rain!  
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG].


	3. Woe begone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just love the colour of Jane's writing.

\---gutsyGumshoe [GG] has opened the memo RELATIONSHIP WOES---

\---gutsyGumshoe [GG] added timaeusTestified [TT] to the memo!---  
\---gutsyGumshoe [GG] added golgothasTerror [GT] to the memo!---  
GG: Alright boys! I'm sure you already know about the trouble between Calliope and Roxy?  
TT: Not really, Roxy just started drunkenly swearing at me then threatened to 'beat yo texan ass!!!' when I asked her about the fact the Loch Ness Monster smashed half her house.  
GT: I asked roxy about that and apparently she can see the sky through her roof! Im concerned about what will happen when it starts raining at her place.  
TT: Seriously, Jake?  
GT: What? Its a legtiment concern. Roxy isnt as used to the wild beasts as i am and what if she gets hurt? Or her house floods?  
TT: She isn't stupid, I think she knows that if the house is flooding she needs to move.  
GT: But she was so drunk last time she talked!   
GG: Guys!  
GT: Oh come now jane you have to admit roxys house is in poor condition! Shes mentioned these giant holes  
GG: Ugh okay now I can see why Roxy drinks!  
TT: Ouch my heart, Crocker, you just stabbed it with your lethal battle spoon.  
GG: I'll do more than just stab it, mister! This is serious!  
GT: Ill say! Roxy lives so far away how can any of us help with her house?  
GG: Stop talking about the damn house!  
GG: We're here to talk about Calliope and Roxy and whatever is going on between them!  
TT: The lady is right, English.  
TT: Behave before you get a righteous beating.  
GG: I'll give you a beating in a minute, mister. :B  
GT: Well okay then! Whats wrong with callie and roxy anyway? Roxy was bloody incoherent in my last discussion with her  
GG: She's upset, that's why.  
GG: Calliope wont talk to her though- From what Roxy said, I gather she's embarrassed or upset over what happened that night.  
TT: So Roxy's drinking her feelings away and Callie's incognito which has something to do with the cthulu incident at Roxy's place.  
GG: Yes, she mentioned that odd part. Apparently Calliope turned into it? Can Cherubs do that?  
GT: Wait are you saying that lovely lady turned into the creature that broke roxys house?  
TT: Yes Jake.   
GG: Well we aren't 100% sure at the moment, Dirk! For all we know something blew up or Roxy was drunk or Caliborn was being his usual self and decided to mess it up!  
TT: Hmm I didn't think about that.  
GG: He's always ranting on about how disgusting and perverted humans are.  
TT: Roxy's ass grabbing expedition really didn't help with that.  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo :B  
GT: Roxy is a rumbustious young lady!   
TT: There's 'rumbustious' then there's 'go ass-grab an alien who's your girlfriends angry screamy brother'.  
GG: Okay back on track! Roxy has made some...bold attempts in her romance, sure.  
GT: Half the fun in romance is the adventure of the unknown.  
TT: You tell her, Rambo.  
GG: You two haven't heard any disconcerting things about Callie and Roxy have you? I mean, last time I checked they were the cutest little couple there could be. It was lovely.  
GT: Indeed those two ladies are such a great match.  
TT: I'll say. Caliborn spent half his time jeering me to moan about his 'INDECENT WHORE SISTER. AND HER PORNOGRAPHIC DISPLAYS OF TENDERNESS"  
GT: Well that is just rude! Even though roxy did get a bit too indepth with her retelling of her night with callie it was all in good fun i say.  
GG: He's such a jerk! They did nothing of the sort. I wouldn't put it past him to try and ruin Callie's happiness.  
GG: I will give him such a beating if that is the case!  
GT: If he did break their hearts he would certainly DESERVE it.  
TT: Alright, first thing first.   
TT: Caliborn's stupid and Calliope is smart.  
TT: No way in hell would he be able to outwit her in the romance department.  
TT: Also, Roxy is Calliope's girlfriend. Say what you want, but I really don't doubt the fact Calliope would straight up have a go at kicking Caliborn's ass if he tried to mess with Roxy. She'd probably win in that regard.   
GT: Indeed the wrath of a lady is not to be scoffed at. Caliborn isnt a chap who seems too subtle though and a monster breaking into the house does seem like this style  
GG: True, Jake. Caliborn is like a sledgehammer going 'wut is subtleyyy'.  
TT: Whoa, low blow Crocker.  
GG: But as a detective- But more importantly as a friend- I have to find out the truth of this!  
GG: Seeing Roxy spiral into alcohol depression is horrible and I will not stand for it.  
GG: Has Callie come on line since the 'Incident'  
GG: That's our codename for it.  
GT: Indeed! I approve of this endeavour! As for calliope no i havent seen her online  
TT: Me neither.   
TT: Hell, I've even checked it over; Calliope hasn't logged in since she visited Roxy.  
TT: Either her computer exploded or she's too upset/angry/sulky to be online.  
GT: Can they do that?  
TT: What, explode?   
GG: Guys! Okay.  
GG: It is time for plan B. :B   
GG: I am going to do something I really do not want to do.  
GG: For friendship!  
TT: Jane.  
GG: Don't try and stop me Dirk!  
GG: This is for Roxy and Callie! And I will do whatever it takes to get these two to amend the fighting between them.  
GT: Um what are you two talking about?  
TT: Didn't you ask Roxy about this lovers tiff she's having with Calliope?  
GT: Only blasted thing i know about it is she apparently has a new roof and callie can fly now and theyre ignoring each other!  
GG: Quiet Jake!  
TT: Be strong Jane. Be strong for mother.  
GG: Dirk, I will bloody well ban you! Okay, here goes.  
\---gustyGumshoe [GG] added undyingUmbrage [UU] to the memo!---  
UU: THE FuCK DO YOu WANT.  
TT: Why, Jane, why.  
UU: WHAT IS THIS DISGuSTING DISPLAY?  
TT: Oh you mean all this tender concern? All these supportive words?  
GT: Hello there old chum!  
UU: uGH YOu HuMANS ARE SO CREEPY. WITH ALL YOuR PAWING AND KIND STuFF.  
TT: You're being less elegant than usual.  
GG: We aren't here for a 'your species is creepiest' 'no your species is' debate! We're here about Calliope!  
UU: THE TALENTLESS WHORE?   
GT: Now thats unnecessary..  
TT: Dude, he's always like this. Now you know why I complain about his weirdo alien crush all the time.  
GG: Alright mister, I am biting the bullet here for Calliope and Roxy.   
GG: And since you're the only one left, I have to ask; Where is Calliope?  
UU: HOPEFuLLY DEAD SOMEWHERE AFTER HER FAILED FILTHY ACTIONS WITH THE ALIEN FEMALE.  
TT: Oh come on, dude. We all know you totally spied on your sister getting all sweet and tender with Roxy and got off on it.  
UU: LIES.  
GG: Just tell us, Caliborn!  
UU: HOW SHOuLD I KNOW WHERE MY uSELESS SISTER IS.  
GG: She's your damn sister! Personally I'm still not sure what the heck is going on with your bodies, but you two still speak to each other the most while you seem content to simply sexually harass Dirk!  
GT: Now im sure the young chap is just as concerned about his sisters emotional distress as we are!  
UU: IM NOT.  
GG: Uuuugh. Dirk, how did you do it?  
TT: I have no idea.  
UU: WHY DO YOu CARE ANYWAY? MY SISTER WAS DOOMED TO FAIL SINCE SHE IS SO uSELESS AND TALENTLESS. uNLIKE ME.  
GG: Okay, that is it!  
\---gutsyGumshoe [GG] banned undyingUmbrage [UU]from the memo!  
GT: Isnt he a highstrung fellow?  
GG: He's also a sexist ass! I'll beat him like a mule if he keeps talking about Roxy and Callie that way!  
GG: Okay, next plan. I'm going to go visit Roxy and see if I can wring it out of her personally!  
GG: You guys grill Caliborn some more! I can't be bothered with him. And try and see if you can contact Calliope again.  
GT: *Salutes*   
TT: Yes, ma'am.  
GG: Great, lets roll!  
\---gutsyGumshoe [GG] has closed the memo RELATIONSHIP WOES---

Your name is JANE CROCKER and you have a plane to catch.


	4. Rebuilding

You are still JANE CROCKER and you are nearly exploding from nerves.  


You took a plane to Roxy's house- since she lived in such a remote area however, it took at least several more hours before you were able to reach her home. You had only taken a single bag with you, quickly stocking it up with supplies for your imminent stay-over at Roxy's place. Something tells you that it's going to take a while to unravel and resolve this case. 

You ended up taking a taxi to get to Roxy's house after your long plane trip (though you fell asleep halfway through after trying to draft out ideas for this particular romantic problem), and had the taxi drop you off at the start of her driveway. You quickly hiff some notes at the driver before all but flying out the door and hurrying up the path. The driveway was long enough to curve around a large patch of trees, concealing the masisve house from the road. As you jogged around the curve, you slowed down, eyebrows nigh disappearing into your hair; Roxy was not joking about the state of the house.

Most of it was scattered around the lawn, massive slabs of roof sprawled across the grass. Glass glinted on the stone path in the afternoon sun, random articles of clothing were caught in the branches of the surrounding trees and one of Roxy's rooms walls was half embedded in the garden. All in all, it looked like the house had exploded. Or imploded, as it were.

Quickly you navigate around the ruins of Roxy's house in her lawn, managing to get to the front door with nary a scratch. You hesitate in front of the door, not really sure if you should knock or just barge in. You settle on doing both.

"Roxy?" You call out as you open the door, knocking a few times on the wood. The sound echoed through the large house, like some cliched teen horror movie. You creep in a few more feet, shutting the door behind you and placing your bag on the ground.

"Rox, it's me, Jane." You peer around, walking down the hall. You poke your head into the living room- nope, not there. You try the kitchen- someone has raided the liquor cabinet, but there isn't an unconscious body on the floor. Hmm, up stairs then.

Okay, easier said than done, since it looked like a bit of the roof had managed to go crashing halfway down the stairs. It ended up taking you around fifteen minutes to claw your way up the roof, slicing open your palm on a wayward nail and ripping open the side of your pants. You gave a moment of thanks for being sensible enough to haul on a pair of jeans and long-sleeved shirt for the journey, since the amount of point things hungering for your skin was ridiculous. Even so, you managed to get several more scraps and cuts before falling into an inelegant heap on the other side.

You grimace and rub at the cut on your palm, hissing as it throbbed. Luckily the bleeding had stopped, but it still hurt like a dickens. Anyway, now isn't the time to lament your injuries, you have a heart-broken BFF to find.

Hmm, well okay, it seems Roxy's room is...kinda everywhere at the moment. Most of the wall was gone, with the entire roof missing. Most of Roxy's things were scattered left right and center, with only the bed in it's usual place. And curled up in the middle of the bed was the person you were looking for. You felt like your heart was trying to clog your throat as you see the small form huddled in a cocoon of blankets.

"Oh Roxy," quickly you dart over to her, jumping over numerous empty bottles littering the floor. Without hesitation you hop up onto the bed with her, kicking off some drywall as you did so. Carefully, you reach up and brush off the thick strands of messy hair off Roxy's forehead. She murmured slightly in her sleep, her face scrunching up slightly before she fell back into an uneasy slumber.

She looked like crap. Okay, kinda harsh, but she did. Her hair felt greasy and thick and her skin was sallow and blotchy. The skin around her eyes was red and puffy, as if she had cried recently. Her clenched fist was pressed up against the underside of her jaw, the nails gnawed right down. Carefully, you unravel her from her blanket nest. You couldn't help but wince at how she barely even stirred; just how much did Roxy drink to be in such a deep booze-induced sleep?

You shake off the though, irritated. Now wasn't the time to lament your friend's grief-induced drinking, you were her to help with this cluster-cuss of a scenario. But first, you have to get Roxy out of the blanket burrito and make sure she hadn't gotten any injuries from the house explosion. It took a few more minutes but you manage to extract her from the cocoon. You flush slightly when you notice the only things Roxy is wearing is a pair of lace panties and a forest green overcoat which you are certain belongs to Calliope.

Carefully you look her over, noting with dismay the bruises and bumps on her bare lower legs, as if she had knocked into things and repeatedly fallen over. You silently curse yourself for not getting here sooner. Bah, no time for your moping, Roxy needs to be taken care of.

You swiftly tuck her back up into bed, patting her forehead until the pained lines in her face smooth out. You give a chaste kiss to her temple before slipping quietly from her room.

You've got a lot of preparing to do.


	5. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing domestic mum Jane for some reason.
> 
> And yes, Jane did smash a path through that roof blocking the stairs so Roxy wouldn't have to climb over it. :B

You have gone back to being ROXY LALONDE and you have just woken up with a mother of a hang over.  


This wasn't an unusual or rare occurrence, but it's been months since you decreased your alcohol intake you've had one this intense.

Carefully you ease yourself up, a hand pressed against your forehead as it felt like your brain was about to burst open like a bowlful of pink noodles. Okay, that metaphor didn't work. Or was it simile? Oh who gives a shit. Your head pulsed even more violently as you shifted and you licked dry lips as you began to unravel your blanket cocoon. So you had a fucker of a headache, but at least the urge to vomit was gone. You'd spent most of the time after Calliope left either drinking, crying or vomiting. Or even doing all three which was a challenge.

You throw off the covers, uncaring as they land in a heap on the floor. Just matches the horrendous mess of your room. Well, to be the fair the stars were gorgeous but when it was raining it was gonna be a pain in the ass.

Sniffing, you pull Calliope's jacket more tightly around your shoulders. Dimly you remember, while half blind from tears and smashed outta your tree, throwing the jacket on after you found it amongst the ruins of your room. Then wearing nothing but your panties you crawled into your bed and cried until you felt like your eyeballs were going to melt out. Fun times, fun times.

You bring your arms up, wrapping them around your head as you shuffled back until your spine hit the headboard of your bed. Drawing your knees up you inhaled deeply, finding comfort in Calliope's familiar smell.

You probably would have gone for another round of self-pitying tears, when a glint of glass caught your eye- someone had fixed up your bedside table and put a large glass of water on it, along with a note and two small white pills.

Slowly you reach out a hand, picking up the note. It takes your sore eyes a few seconds to understand the curling, blue writing;

Ro-Lal  
I got you some painkillers for your headache and I'm making you some food downstairs.  
Have a shower first though! Can't have you running around smelling like a mule :B  
-Janey  


Ugh, that girl is just way too sweet. Must be from all the cake she eats. You let out a giggle/snort and hastily rub at a few tears that leak out from under your swollen eyelids. You fold up the note and put it back on the table, picking up the glass and two pills instead. You hiff them back, grimacing as they stick in your throat like golf balls before chasing them down with a large swig of water.

A loud liquid rumble erupts from your stomach and you choke back the taste of bile. Carefully you take small sips from the glass until it was empty and put it back on the table. You rub at your stomach, breathing slowly as the urge to vomit eases.

You're tempted to just crawl back into bed, but you know Janey would end up forcibly dragging you out, destroying the tattered remnants of your pride. Not that you had much to begin with...Ugh. You drag a hand through your hair, wrinkling your nose as you felt the gritty, greasy texture of the strands. Ha, you must look like shit. Well, at least this time you didn't have vomit in your hair.

With a groan you drag yourself off the bed, stumbling slightly as you stagger upright. Carefully you shuffle over to your chest of drawers, rummaging through until you find some new clothes and slump off to your bathroom, making sure not to trip over the numerous empty bottles littering your floor. Eh, you'll clean later. Or next week. Whenever.

The shower does make you feel alot better though you do have another self-pitying sobfest midway when you begin to go to grab the bubblegum shampoo. You settle for the tangerine scented one instead. Carefully you lather your hair, absentmindedly staring through a large hole in the bathroom room. Thankfully most of the roof here was intact, but you'd need to get it repaired at well along with most of the house. 

You stay under the hot spray until your fingers prune and the steam makes you feel thickheaded. Fumbling, you switch off the shower and step out, leaving an assortment of puddles on the tile. As you dry off, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror- you have deep shadows ringing your eyes and you've lot weight that you couldn't afford. Pushing back intense feelings of self loathing, you finishing drying off and put on your new clothes- leggings, a skirt and a t-shirt. After some consideration, you put Calliope's green jacket back on and slip on some shoes before trundling off downstairs.

Shoes turned out to be a good choice, considering the clusterfuck that was your hallway and stairs. Large slates of roof and broken glass littered the floor, and it looked like a pack of crazed cats had mauled their way through a thick portion of the roof lodged in the stairs, making a ragged, nail-ridden path. You carefully navigate through mess, grimacing as a few nails tear open your tights and snag on your hair but you mostly get through unscathed. 

You sniff at the air hungrily as the smell of food assailed your nostrils when you reach the bottom of the stairs. You haven't eaten in a few days and your stomach, briefly placated by that water, begins to growl again. Quickly you shuffled towards the kitchen, trying not to drool too much.

Jane is standing with her back to the door as she cooked something in the frying pan, humming to herself as she swayed side to side. You sidle into the kitchen and settle at the table, staring at nothing in particular. You must've dozed off, because the next thing you know Jane is putting a plate in front of you- it was two eggs and several strips of bacon, arranged like a big smiley face. She handed you a knife and fork and placed a glass of orange juice next to you before flitting off to clean up the kitchen.

You feel an intense rush of gratitude and love for Jane- damnit that girl helped you through some serious shit and here she was again, wasting time on your romantically retarded alcoholic ass. And she knew tact, rather than just trying to drag you over the coals to figure out your epic romance failure, she let you get your bearings and feed you outta nothing more than friendepicness. If that's not a word then it fucking should be because that is what Jane is. Well, Jake and Dirk are still close friends but they are nearly as socially fucked as you are. Jane...well, she just knew how to handle this shit like some power-keg team mum.

The first forkful of egg nearly made you puke, your body blanching at the sudden introduction of food after a hangover and long absence. You swallowing and the feeling promptly vanishes, replaced by clawing hunger. Eagerly you begin to wolf down the food, dipping the bacon into the runny egg yoke and munching it down. You polish off the food in record time and Jane snatched off the plate like an epic Avenger the instant you lowered your fork and knife. You raise an eyebrow but pick up the orange juice and start sipping at it quietly as you watch Jane ignore the dishwasher and clean up the plate in the sink, carefully cleaning and drying the dishes before putting them away.

She then sits down at the chair opposite and fixes a soft gaze on you, her expression open and nonjudgmental.

Feeling tears prick at your eyes - out of sadness or gratitude you're not too sure - you put down the glass and begin to tell Jane everything that happened that night.


End file.
